The Smoke Eater For January 29, 2020
Mansplaining crime, a strip mall brawl, and a call for peace.
Good Day, this is The Smoke Eater for Wednesday, January 29, 2020, and somebody told me that the world's going around.
Quick Hit
* Alan Dershowitz mansplains crime * Iowa's disability problem * Trumpland tires to play 3-D chess with Bernie Bros * Pete Buttigieg and the strip mall brawl * A stoner makes a stand * And I spend too much time trying not to shit the bed on Jared's peace plan *
NOTE: I'll be reporting from Iowa next week because I'm a glutton for punishment. The Smoker Eater is still ad-free and supported by amazing readers. If you want to be amazing and keep reading The Smoke Eater, tip me on Ko-Fi, or subscribe to my Patreon!
"Crime-like Conduct"
Trump's team wrapped up their Chewbacca defense of Trump by arguing former national security advisor John Bolton should be ignored, and Alan Dershowitz mansplained that the Constitution says nothing about about "crime-like conduct." Shortly thereafter, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell huddled Republicans in a smoke-filled room and discovered he didn't have enough votes to block the calling of witnesses. This morning Trump shitposted that Bolton's book is a national security secret, and we should thank him for stopping Bolton from starting "World War Six."
Roll Call gossips that one Senator discovered the invention of tissues, Mitt Romney snuck in some chocolate milk, and Krysten Sinema was caught chatting up Republicans.
The Denver Post reports Colorado Republican Sen. Cory Gardner is probably feeling some heat considering the vulnerable Republican is being backed by PACs from both Bolton and Trump.
California Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein might have had a brain fart when she told LA Times she might vote to acquit Trump. In a tweet, Feinstein claimed the LA Times "misunderstood" her, clarifying, "It’s clear the president’s actions were wrong. He withheld vital foreign assistance for personal political gain. That can’t be allowed to stand."
In A Related Story...
Former Defense Secretary John Kelly gave a speech in Florida the other night where he proclaimed, "If John Bolton says that in the book, I believe John Bolton," adding, "Every single time I was with him ... he always gave the president the unvarnished truth."
Former US envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker has an op-ed where he argues Trump's impeachment ignores the primary reason why the US was providing aid, and the administration's lack of experienced diplomats hurts a country eager to join Western alliances. "The only one who benefits from this," Volker writes, "is Russian President Vladimir Putin."
Another 278 Days To Go
Maggie Astor writes for the New York Times about how Iowa's politically active disabled people kind of get screwed during the archaic caucusing process.
Joe Biden still holds a has a considerable lead among black voters in North and South Carolina, according to political wizards and party figures who view polls and endorsements as marks of achievement, respectively. The New York Times reports that Biden's camp has tried to strike an alliance with Amy Klobuchar to forge a consensus around a moderate candidate.
The left and the right are both torn about what to do with Sen. Bernie Sanders. On the one hand, there's eye-rolling attack ads and op-eds form the left's paranoid establishment figures and moderates who are suddenly yelling Bernie can't win because he's an Israeli-hating socialist with a heart condition that's vulnerable character attacks. On the other hand, various factions of Trumpland are openly debating whether or not Bernie could beat Trump. Republican donors are already flirting with anti-Sanders attack ads, while Tucker Carlson recently praised Sanders' position on student debt. Obviously this is a 3-D chess.
A non-profit connected to Trumpland has been holding cash giveaways to entice black voters, reports Politico. At least one historically black university canceled an event by the group after seeing advertising that said the event would have cash prizes in honor of Donald Trump and Jared Kushner. The head of of the school says the event was "vastly different" from the Martin Luther King Jr. Day that was initially proposed.
James DeHaven has a story in the Reno Gazette-Journal about a strip-mall fight between the campaign's of Pete Buttigieg and Donald Trump. Both campaign's are operating out of the same strip mall, but the Trump campaign has been leaving stickers and nastygrams on letter head from the Trump Victory Committee that claims Buttigieg staffers are stealing their parking spaces. A note from the Trump people says they the portion of the lot they've claimed can be utilized by Buttigieg staffers provided they put a Trump sticker on their vehicles. The Nevada caucuses on Feb. 22.
Georgia Republican Rep. Doug Collins has announced a primary challenge to Sen. Kelly Loeffler. Collins, a fast-talking, bomb-throwing Bible thumper, had begged for Trump's blessing before the state's Republican governor, Brian Kemp, tapped Loeffler to fill the seat of retired Sen. Johnny Isakson instead. Politico reports the announcement from Collins has rankled Republican money men who've already announced they're backing the super-rich Loeffler, and presented an opening for Democrats hoping to snatch the seat.
This Fuckin' Guy
A Tennessee man facing a minor weed charge lit a joint in court to protest marijuana prohibition. "The people deserve better," the man shouted as he was escorted out, causing a giggle in the gallery.
A Clever Ruse
Jared Kushner's magical plan for peace in the Middle East will see Israel annexing all Israeli settlements in the West Bank, and claiming sovereignty over a big chunk of the Jordan River Valley. In exchange for the land, recognition of Israel, and the freezing out of Hamas and the Islamic Jihad, the Palestinian's will get $50 billion, a US embassy, and limited sovereignty.
In an interview with Christiane Amanpour, Kushner, a 39-year-old real estate developer with no prior diplomatic experience, said he hoped the Palestinian leaders would "read the details" and "stop posturing," adding the Palestinians, "have a perfect track record of blowing every opportunity they've had in their past." Kushner also sat down with Al Jazeera and claimed, "If we don't do this today, at the rate at which Israel is growing, I think that it will never be able to be done," adding, "We see this as the last chance for the Palestinians to have a state." Vox argues that Kushner is either ignorant or apathetic in his inability to comprehend how his comments will be perceived.
Writing for the Middle East Institute, Daoud Kuttab calls the agreement, "shameful," and argues, "both Americans and Israelis know that what they are doing is not fair, but they are doing it anyway." Hady Amr and Ilan Goldenberg, two former Obama admin officials, write,"It is nonsensical to expect [the Palestinians] to go along with a deal written by someone who tried to give away their capital, closed the 175-year-old U.S. diplomatic mission to their people, closed down the Palestinians’ own mission in Washington, and severed all financial ties." In a recent issue of Foreign Affairs Yousef Munayyer wrote there are hardly any innocent parties in this complicated affair, arguing that a solution requires everyone think realistically instead of constantly grabbing their dicks and spitting on each other.
One More Thing...
This week the world solemnly remembers the 75th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. In recent years there has been an attempt by right-wing autocratic governments to rewrite the history of the Holocaust, with multiple nations accusing one another of being complicit in Nazi atrocities.
As other nations point fingers at one another in an attempt to hide their own blood-stained streets, the Trump administration likes to point to its unwavering support for Israel whenever the president espouses white supremacist tropes and defends the neo-Nazi supporters in his base. They seems oblivious to the fact that it was isolationism and xenophobia that led to World War II, and our collective shame in refusing to accept Jewish refugees that led to the abolition of immigration quotas.
The politicization of history, mob-rule populism, an irrational fear of foreigners, and a belief in retrenchment from the international community is what led to the horrors that us still haunt us today. That these ideas have found new life a century later should all give us pause.
OK, now here's a warm and fuzzy critter video! SEA OTTERS!
Sea otters hold hands in order to survive the elements. Oh, and that velvety Scottish baroque narrating? That's none other than the 10th Doctor, David Tennant!
Follow Dominic on Twitter and Instagram.
The Smoke Eater is ad-free and relies on your tips and subscriptions. It takes a lot of time and energy to put each issue together, so consider tipping me on Ko-Fi, or subscribing to my Patreon.
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Shoot me an email or slide into my DMs!